


Byleth's Diary OR Story Of A Mercenary Turned Schoolteacher

by Gale_Breeze



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Gen, my byleth is a mess hiding behind a perfect mask of sanity, nobody will ever suspect her UNTIL ITS TOO LATE
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 13:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22496524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gale_Breeze/pseuds/Gale_Breeze
Summary: Byleth records her life as a schoolteacher.This story is being written alongside an actual playthrough of the Black Eagles route. If Byleth does anything stupid or idiotic just blame me it's fine.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**_27th of Great Tree_ **   
_are you for FUCKING REAL??? this fucking teacher stipend is goddamn nothing holy shit_

_anyways jeralt abandoned me to the children and now i have to teach them how to Not Die which lets be real is sort of my weakest subject goddess knows ive nearly died a lot over the past decade so haha these kids are SO FUCKED its not funny_

_im gonna teach the children the sparrow formation hopefully that works but gonna be honest im not super sure if theyre all gonna survive... i guess i can do some one-on-one time with them and hope that shit goes down in a way that doesnt fucking explode but if it doesnt whatever its a mock battle theyre not gonna die_

_okay lets hope this fucking works write next time im free_

**_11th of Harpstring_ **   
_alright this wasnt a total fucking disaster. i mean it was still fucking awful but hey im not dead. right so status update these kids are NOT GREAT and im gonna have to train em up to be worth half a damn if i wanna keep my job. which yknow not sure i actually want to do but hey money is money and getting paid is fucking radical_

_also THANK YOU MISS HRESVELG i know how to teach now a little maybe not really thanks to her and now i know i can punish people with chores so i sent ferdinand and bernadetta to start cleaning the stables i can already tell that theyre both going to be good with horses so get a headstart on getting them used to the creatures_

_anyways i gave the kids their new goals and haha say goodbye to your dreams kiddos im in charge now only good decisions for you from here on out also some punkass bitch named sylvain wants to join the class. hes a fucking loser casanova bitch but team eagle needs more musclepower so i agreed i refuse to leave the role of frontline fighter to caspar right now that kid is INSANE_

_bernie is freaking out so im gonna cut this off here and come back later_

**_18th of Harpstring_ **   
_HOLY SHIT THIS WEEK apparently i look really trustworthy or some shit because people are confiding in me all of a sudden what the fuck the whole reason i wear this outfit is to look scary why does everybody think im nice_

_12th: bernadetta trusts me for some reason and its freaky for both of us why does she trust me exactly?_   
_13th: dorothea said i was gorgeous and my skin got really warm so i think im sick or something. told jeralt but he just laughed at me so fat load of help he was_   
_14th: petra taught me metaphors because im somehow even WORSE at speaking this language than her_   
_15th: ferdinand is a fucking NOBB holy shit how does he think hes better than edelgard, he almost died because of a demonic beast what is wrong with him_   
_16th: edelgard read that battalions are a thing so now i have to get one for everybody holy shit kid. i bribed some of jeralts mercs with free booze so theyre helping out until the next moon_

_anyways today we went out and fought the knights or whatever and these kids are SLIGHTLY better now most of them should be ready for certification exams by the end of the month and thank fuck because it means im one step closer to getting all these rusty piece of shit iron weapons away from them SERIOUSLY WHY ARE ALL THE IRON WEAPONS RUSTED DOESNT THE CHURCH CHECK THAT SHIT_

_also... i think im becoming magic??? like i dont know reason or faith buuuut i think im magic now? i could tell how close we would be before the knights engaged like it wasnt that i just had experience in this or anything but like AN ACTUAL LINE ON THE GROUND and shit. i could tell who was targeting who and how much damage people could take and how many times a sword would work before breaking and i think at one point money just evaporated from my pocket to zap a spear into ferdinands hands to replace the one he broke and_

_DEAR GODDESS I NEED A FUCKING DRINK_

**_25th of Harpstring_ **   
_19th: hubert tried to threaten me it was positively adorable_   
_21st: saint macuil day. apparently you abstain from eating so GUESS IM A HERETIC NOW_   
_22nd: sylvain said some junk about dating multiple girls so i ignored him_

_CERTIFCATIONS FOR ALL INCLUDING ME except linhardt because hes a lazy dumbass_   
_anyways we have me and petra as myrmidons, bernie, caspar and edelgard as fighters, dorothea and hubert as monks and ferdinand and sylvain as soldiers. i assume linhardt will be a monk if he ever gets up off his lazy ass long enough to actually certify but whatever_

_also i did a seminar today on group tactics. basically i told them the difference between groups that were too tightly packed, groups spread out correctly and groups spread too thin. edelgard was there and she REALLY listened so i reckon shes going to go far in the tactical department_

_oh yeah and we got a transfer from the blue lions. apparently mercedes is a healer but sadly she hasnt certified yet so i guess shes going to adjutant for a while..._

**_31st of Harpstring_ **   
_so apparently im crazy and SUPERMAGIC but whatevs no biggie_

_kids got their first kills today im very proud of them for not hurling on my shoes. i talked to jeralt about it yesterday apparently some people get really sick and teary when they do their first kill but my kids were all very mature about it so yaaay. except for edelgard and hubert, who tried to be coy and pretended like this was totally their first kill like oh yeah for sure you guys have TOTALLY never killed before like come on_

_oh double except linhardt who cried_

_anyways so apparently the girl from my dreams can rewind time and its super useful. also my whole being able to quantify the info for an entire battlefield is apparently her fault but hey at least im magic now maybe i can learn some reason or faith or whatever ALSO we apparently remember this canyon having peeps in it? like an entire town? and thats super weird_

_also edelgard said some suspect shit about subterranean beings and i think she was trying to hint at something but it went WOOSH over my head so i guess we arent gonna talk about that in detail_

**_1st of Garland_ **   
_some dickhead named lonato is gonna try to fight the church and im already laughing the church has jeralt on its side thats like trying to fight a god BUT i support lonato because rhea unironically said "demonstrating how foolish it would be to turn their blades on the church" and thats basically threatening my fucking kids_

_ive barely known them for two months but theyre **my kids** i wont **LET** them be threatened rhea isnt getting away from this without consequence_

**_4th of Garland_ **   
_JERALT IS A BITCHASS MOTHERFUCKER_

_piece of shit giving my students the date of my birth so they can give me stuff what a fuckface edelgard gave me a pretty pendant and_

_ive never had pretty things before_

_shut up sothis_

**_8th of Garland_ **   
_something called the choir festival this month so i grabbed linhardt and mercedes and put them to work hopefully they get some amount of faith out of it. maybe thats weird but i dont really believe in higher powers so all i can get out of it is seeing if people learn to heal or not_

_the market was open so i bought some seals because i figure i should be ready when everyone is gonna certify again... also why would the church not provide their own seals? if they want the kids to fight for them? itd inspire loyalty and shit none of this makes sense_

_some chick named catherine (awful name terrible name no pizzazz gonna advise her to change it to something cool later) is apparently here and everyone is gushing in their pants about her specialness but i dont buy it apparently she needs some fancy magic sword called a relic to fight and laaaame_

_OH OH OH faculty training is fun i used it as an excuse to give rhea a black eye since she offered to teach me brawling. manuela is my favourite staff member now THANK YOU MANUELA FOR GIVING ME THIS EXCUSE TO BLATANTLY HURT RHEA_

_ALSO: been doing research on lonato. apparently he used to attend sermons and be super nice and served the brother of the king of faerghus once or something so this raising an army shindig is SUPER out of character for him so something is deffo wack here_

**_15th of Garland_ **   
_BOUGHT A LEVIN SWORD BOIIIIII and some javelins and handaxes so my kids can all fight at range balance that shit out BUT LEVIN SWOOOOOOOORD im gonna show the FUCK out of this to jeralt later also im in charge of responding to students notes with the counselor_

_also hubert threatened me at dinner i think "you seem to dine with company often UNLIKE ME" and its so fucking cute my heart_

_also felix transferred in hes a swordboi gonna make him a mortal savant so hes not just a onehit wonder... where did that saying come from???_

_also: LINHARDT A BITCH MOTHERFUCKER. SLEEP THROUGH MY LESSONS AGAIN AND I AM GOING TO HURT HIM FUCKER CALLING ME A VILLAIN AND STRANGE AND_

_im not strange_

_im **not**_

**_22nd of Garland_ **   
_caspar fucked up a stakeout so im making him do double chores for the rest of the week i am slowly getting REAL IRRITATED with these noble brats anyways mercedes is monk now_

_another transfer but this one is from the deer her name is marianne and i am making it my personal mission to gutpunch as much emotional support into her as i can... OH SHIT I KNOW ANOTHER GIRL WHO NEEDS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT_

_I CAN MAKE BERNADETTA AND MARIANNE_ **BESTIES**

_be right back doing that right now_

**_29th of Garland_ **   
_EVERYONE IS INTERMEDIATE CERTIFIED we did a big study for it over the last week including me so now the entire black eagle house is fucking ready to ROCK manuela is JELLY hanneman is JELLY rhea is A BITCH jeralt bought me SOME ALE everything is AWESOME_

_me: mercenary (jeralt helped me study for it)_   
_edelgard: brigand_   
_hubert: mage (apparently theres a difference between mage and dark mage??????)_   
_ferdinand: cavalier (he nearly failed but he wanted to ride horsies)_   
_linhardt: priest (PACIFIST)_   
_caspar: brigand_   
_bernadetta: archer (WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT OUTFIT I BUY PANTS FOR YOU)_   
_dorothea: mage_   
_petra: thief (WHAT THE F U C K IS THAT OUTFIT I BUY PANTS FOR YOU)_   
_felix: mercenary (he refused to be called a thief which is... certification-ist?????)_   
_sylvain: cavalier (he wanted to pick up girls but hey if it makes sure he doesnt die im fine with it)_   
_mercedes: priest (she asked we focus on faith for a week to help marianne what a nice girl)_   
_marianne: priest (100% PASS IM SO PROUD OF HER)_

_i made sure to look into the lions and deer half of them havent certified even ONCE yet fucking laughing my ass off holy shit battle of lion and eagle is gonna be a CAKEWALK_

**_30th of Garland_ **   
_sothis is helpful. there i wrote it in my diary, happy now????_

_ANYWAYS. catherine aint nothin but a cheap bitch she dont count for legendary status she uses a fuckin magic goddessblade come back when you can win your battles with a training weapon sweetheart ON ANOTHER NOTE that sword is fucking creepy weapons arent meant to look like that and they dont glow like that and they certainly dont fucking stun people like gambits do_

_anyway the church murdered a dudes son and now lonato is crazy cause AAGH YA KEELED MAH SUUN AMMA KEEL YUU BEACK and thats just like revenge is fucking stupid if you want revenge hire a mercenary or an assassin dont put together an army for fucks sake ALSO catherine said "we passed judgement according to our doctrine in place of the kingdom" SO YALL JUST FUCKIN DECIDED TO PUSH YOUR OWN REGIME ON THE KINGDOM HUH? WOW aint no wonder that lonato wants to murder the church fuck id help him if i thought hed get anywhere with it plus he called rhea a witch so hes ok in my book_

_also edelgard how are you so familiar with the smell of blood you can identify it from like twenty feet away??? like i cant do that and im **ME** how the fuck can you?????_

_OH YEAH LONATO HAD A PLAN TO ASSASSINATE RHEA OH **NOOOO** HOW **TRAAAAGIIIIIC** that fucking bitch outright said the churchs belivers are more important than people "we must punish any sinner who may inflict harm upon believers" "the fate that awaits all who are foolish enough to point their blades towards the heavens" the instant this year is up im bailing i dont even care she disgusts me to no end_

_fuck im pissed off now im going to spar until i collapse write later_

**_6th of Blue Sea_ **   
_sothis knows something about the relics or at least her memories do which BODES REAL OMINOUS (bode is a good word) considering she controls time and shit_

_shamir seems cool. cyril likes rhea so AWAY WITH YOU CHILD also overheard linhardt being a fuckface to marianne earlier so CONGRATS BITCH YOU GET TO DO CHORES EVERY DAY ALL DAY FUCK YOU AND YOUR SLEEP MAYBE NOW YOULL STAY AWAKE DURING MY LESSONS teaches you to sabotage my emotional support gutpunches_

_apparently some kinda dude called "the death knight" is wandering around town and ughhhhh overdramatic assholes with edgy names give me a migraine_

_anyways enemy is gonna attack the holy mausoleum its really obvious honestly like i hate rhea but she could probably kill me if she really wanted to she can literally squash bricks in her hands so the assassination plan is really stupid_

_sothis is bugging me so im done for now_


	2. Chapter 2

_**13th of Blue Sea** _   
_TWO TRANSFERS THIS WEEK!!! man how bad are the other teachers that none of my kids have left yet??? anyways one of them is raph and hes RAW MUSCLES finally some proper fucking beef in this house of chicken and the other is lysithea and she seems like a little bit of a nerd but hey i can work with that_

_saint cethleann day happened the other day and seteth made FELIX and HUBERT lead the hymns i laughed so fucking hard_

_so anyways hanneman invited me to listen to a seminar today about bows and reason magic and UGHHH it was so boring to listen to practically nothing in the seminar was practical or useful at all it was all just discussion about theory and the difference between faith and reason and my brain HURTS_

_fuck it im going to have a bath maybe thatll clear my head_

**_20th of Blue Sea_ **   
_bernie asked me to change her goals so she could be a sniper and it was a VERY CUTE plea but sadly i have horsier ideas about her future so i had to turn her down_

_ALSO TRANSFERRRRR her name is ingrid and she has a wing horse. she claims its a pegasus and i say NO._

_WING HORSE._

_eagle horse_

_BLACK EAGLE HORSE OH MY GOSH SHE FITS SO PERFECTLY_

**_26th of Blue Sea - Morning_ **   
_okay so the rite of rebirth is today and the eagles and i did some investimagating under less than legal circumstances last night and we found some places to hide out of sight so we can ambush the dipshits planning to attack so in like half an hour we're all gonna head over and do our thang_

_sothis is yelling at me about misspelling thang but she doesnt have neato boots like i do so her opinion is irrelevant but i gotta go anyways_

**_26th of Blue Sea - Evening_ **   
_OKAY SO TODAY IS FUCKING WEIRD_

_first off the death knight showed himself and is sort of a chill dude? didnt try to kill any of my students either which was really cool of him really he even peaced out when everything was done so I RESPECT THAT DUDE_

_secondly RELICS ARE MADE OF BONES. like im a fucking mercenary who kills people I KNOW WHAT BONES LOOK AND FEEL LIKE WHAT THE FUCK????? theyre just bones i dont understand how are they so fucking strong??? bones are pretty fragile yknow its super easy to break them_

_thirdly rhea started spinning the fuck out of this apparently its called the SWORD OF THE CREATOR and its one of the most valuable and powerful relics in the churchs possession and rhea is just like YO GIRL YOU DID SOME FINE ASS WORK KICKING THE FUCK OUTTA THOSE WACK WESTERN CHURCH FOOLS HAVE A SWORD and im just sitting here like_

_really???? you expect to give me something THAT HUGE and NOT have me question what the fuck you up to???? bitch i aint usin that sword it creeps me the fuck out but i guess she expects me to wield it so i just have it sheathed and its gonna fuckin stay in that sheath_

**_1st of Verdant Rain_ **   
_fucking church HEY WE ARENT COMPETENT GO TAKE YOUR CHILDREN AND SOLVE THE PROBLEM FOR US_

_im gonna kill them one day i swear but whatever apparently i have some fancy fucking scribble in my soul or whatever and it makes me strong and its called the crest of flames so big whoop_

_also edelgard called me "terrifying" FINALLY SOMEBODY IN THIS FUCKING DULL NIGHTMARE UNDERSTANDS ME_

**_3rd of Verdant Rain_ **   
_manuela requested i have a drink with her on her birthday_

_NEVER AGAIN_

**_4th of Verdant Rain_ **   
_... there used to be 10 children of the adrestian royal family_

_i dont do politics_

_but even i know that itd be a huge incident if 9 of them died_

_where did they go???_

**_10th of Verdant Rain_ **   
_SOTHIS STOP BEING OMINOUS_

_RHEA I AINT FULFILLIN ANY FUCKIN DESTINY YOU RAMBLE ABOUT also she gave me some "herbs" to give to students who "needed them" so i had the greenhouse keeper doublecheck if they were legit or not. i aint letting rhea get my kids addicted to drugs damn it_

_the blacksmith got back from some trip so now i can keep repairing shit instead of endlessly buying new crap for no reason. hopefully this means i have more cash now._

_got put on cooking duty with bernadetta and THAT GIRL ENJOYS COOKING. she actually SMILED like a for real big GRIN and GODDESS DAMN IT im gonna throw marianne at her and WATCH THE MAGIC HAPPEN_

_had lunch with raph and ferdinand and it was MAGICAL ive never seen somebody curl their lip that hard before holy shit go raph go_

**_12th of Verdant Rain_ **   
_eleanor eisner, 1139-1159. resting in the warm embrace of cherished memories._

_it_

_she_

_why does it hurt so much_

**_14th of Verdant Rain_ **   
_hubert threatened me again also HE GOT REAL WEIRDLY CLOSE TO FIGURING OUT THAT SOTHIS IS MY FRIEND?????_

_hey so if i ever get imprisoned ITLL BE BECAUSE IM MURDERING BERNADETTAS FATHER_

_what is with all these disturbing ass children and their unnervingly tragic backstories_

_HOW AM I THE MOST MENTALLY WELL-ADJUSTED PERSON IN THE MONASTERY I NEVER EVEN SPOKE TO PEOPLE THAT MUCH BEFORE COMING HERE_

_LITERALLY HOW_

**_17th of Verdant Rain_ **   
_took the kids to do some chores so that i could achive my ultimate goal of CHEAP AND PLENTIFUL SMITHING STONES!!! oh baby we will fix everything and it will all be SO FINE AND GRAND but i think sothis used some freaky time magic or something feels like we've been out here for like three months but in a single day so everybody is growing up strong already_

_also lysithea is infecting all the mages with her nerd germs all my mages are reading books while we travel so they can learn spells in the middle of combat CALM DOWN KIDDO_

_ew caspar just said "right makes might" and im fucking screaming internally im throwing him at seteth when we get back maybe the guy can lecture some sanity into him_

**_18th of Verdant Rain_ **   
_dorothea talked to me literally the first minute we got back and apparently i scare her which is YAY_

_also apparently she interrogated manuela about my heartbeat thing so now theres a rumour that im an undead zombie raised by rhea to kill the unfaithful_

_i suppose it makes people scared of me so im cool with it_

**_24th of Verdant Rain_ **   
_edelgard complained to me that ferdinand tried to do a dramatic one-liner so thats how my day went_

_petra told me she was worried about not being good enough but calm down girl youre the most competent of all my children shush_

_also marianne and bernadetta are apparently tagteaming in order to stay away from people so not even ingrid can drag them to class so i guess they have some kind of friendship??? ugh people are gonna expect me to go find them arent they_

**_31st of Verdant Rain_ **   
_OKAY WHAT THE SHIT WAS TODAY_

_okay so... okay so we went to some fancyass tower from some war back in the day with some church dude by the name of gilbert and i can already tell hes gonna be a problem in the near future... oh and edelgard did a whole big rant about how the goddess is a bitch which i deffo agree with lets be real_

_we go inside and its a clusterfuck this tower is designed to hold off forces like us and i practically killed myself using the pulse so much but we finally found the leader of the bandits and he was EVIL sylvain. no i dont care if thats not his name he tried to kill us he lost name rights. anyways we fight that guy and WOW relics are worse than i thought that is STRAIGHTUP EVIL like how did anyone think the relics were good when some of them literally vibrate like theyre living creatures what the fuck and RIGHT AS WE BEAT HIM it starts raining and being all thundery_

_because evil sylvain got eaten by the relic. eaten. i heard it chew. and it turned him into a MONSTER. some hugeass giant bone lizard made of raw muscle and hate, and it was bigger than most demonic beasts i ever fought with jeralt. sothis said that theyre beyond mortals, and that theyre essentially hate turned into a lifeform. magical barriers, can bring themselves back to life, they get worse when theyre starting to lose, they can take out people who dont look like theyre in range but actually are_

_BASICALLY THEY FUCKING SUCK AND I HATE THEM. edelgard said something about how he got corrupted by a crest stone... how much does she know about all this i have to wonder? also evil sylvain and the lance got left behind when it died for good for some reason which???? CONCERNING????_

  
**_1st of Horsebow_ **   
_we got back and rhea said a BUUUUUNCH of BULLSHIT._

_shit like "keep it to yourself because people would lose faith in the nobles", "the transformation into a black beast was a punishment from the goddess" SHE KNEW BY THE WAY. AND DIDNT FUCKING TELL US THAT IT WAS A CONCERN. like what the fuck. then she fucking threatened sylvain into silence and told us to leave. oh i left. right to a bar where jeralts mercs were. i told them everything and asked that they spread the word._

_fuck you rhea. im not playing your game. its just a rumour right now and not many believe it but the info IS out there. the church cant do shit to stop it. i told edelgard and she hugged me for a while. felt nice._

_oh yeah seteth is in the middle of a giant panic attack apparently flayn went missing while we were gone and hes starting to get desperate. like. STUPID desperate. i saw him looking under a table in the dining hall._

_jeralt is apparently helping him out which means seteth is going to be knockout drunk and hungover for like two or three days. thanks dad._

**_2nd of Horsebow_ **   
_[The page has been viciously covered over with ink. However, the imprint of the quill reveals the words "i talked to edelgard" and "everybody who hurt her dies" on the backside of the page.]_

**_6th of Horsebow_ **   
_flayn is still awol. apparently seteth has mobilized the knights to search for her but i dont hold out much hope because THE DEATH KNIGHT is in town apparently which bodes real fucking ill so rhea told us that instead of fighting bandits or whatever we have to find flayn_

_which im agreeable to ONLY because of the clusterfuck that was last month._

_LINHARDT IS STILL A BITCH BY THE WAY A GIRL WENT MISSING AND HIS FIRST CONCERN IS "I HEARD SHE HAS A CREST" WHAT A FUCKFACE_

**_7th of Horsebow_ **   
_some demented madman wanted me to deliver a love letter like seriously motherfucker? to CYRIL of all people the kid is a total rhea fanboy_

_also my dad is possibly a vampire??? tomas said he doesnt look any different from two decades ago_

_I AM VERY WORRIED BY HOW MANY STUDENTS TOLD ME "IF IT WERE A REAL KIDNAPPING WE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A RANSOM BY NOW" HOW MANY OF MY STUDENTS ARE KIDNAPPERS????_

_gilbert is a piece of shit by the way and im going to kick his ass into the dust in the training grounds once we get flayn back_

_also its jeritza for SURE apparently manuela rushed in the direction of his quarters, jeralt saw her holding his mask, he goes into town every night... i told jeralt and apparently the knights are searching everywhere that hes been so far so i guess we see how that develops_

**_13th of Horsebow_ **   
_ghosts arent real i say to lysithea as i stare directly at the ghostly girl living in my head_

**_14th of Horsebow_ **   
_apparently jeritza isnt AT ALL worried about the fact the knights are trying to catch him_

_HES STILL WANDERING AROUND THE ACADEMY BUT NOBODY CAN CATCH HIM he just turns a corner and fucking VANISHES because this fucking monastery is apparently made of hidden passages or some shit_

**_21st of Horsebow_ **   
_getting everybody ready for their certifications next week i basically threw them at bandits until they became good at doing things but SADLY i dont have enough money to buy everybody seals so some are getting certified this month and others arent_

_i THINK theyre all ready to pass but goddess i dont even know_

_also ingrid is complaining that theres no advanced pegasus class so im training her in axes for now so she can become a wyvern rider_

_MASTER THE FLYING THINGS INGRID_

**_28th of Horsebow_ **   
_who da swordmaster? SWORDMASTER BYLETH IS WHO yeaaaaah im actually sad because i severely misjudged everybody and their readiness level so basically NOBODY ELSE is getting certified this month._

_petra is an assassin now though so. thats fun._

_i bought everyone some cake. just to make up for the SAD._

**_30th of Horsebow_ **   
_WELL TONIGHT WAS WEIRD_

_so we went to jeritzas quarters and manuela is passed out on the damn floor because she was stabbed but she managed to point at her attacker - an underground passageway. we all run down there and like immediately find flayn because she got kidnapped by the death knight which was a DICK MOVE BRO i thought you were CHILL but apparently fucking not_

_apparently jeritza is the death knight and hes been moving around through the underground of the monastery where nobody goes the center of the place had all these pipes so i think he was hiding in the sewers or something which ewwww and also was WEIRD because there were fucking warp tiles down there which i thought were total myths but fuck me i guess_

_anyway i was very proud of everybody we cleared that shithole out like PROFESSIONALS im buying everyone more cake tomorrow but most importantly i was proud of LYSITHEA MY GIRL LEARNED DARK SPIKES T AND SHE FUCKING DEMOLISHED THAT BITCH KNIGHT never again will i fear him i will laugh he is the Bitch Knight now and forever_

_also flayn is my student now_

**_1st of Wyvern_ **   
_apparently we also found a girl by the name of monica down there and shes been down there for like AN ENTIRE YEAR fucking hell but who cares what happened to her we have a sports event to attend fuck you rhea and your horseshit_

_anyways im gonna pump my kids hard so we can promote their dumb asses_

_WOW DO I REGRET WRITING THAT SENTENCE_

**_5th of Wyvern_ **   
_apparently every year rhea makes children battle for her amusement and its this huge affair that im sure is going to be a pain in the fucking ass_

_oh yeah and i talked to the missing girl shes apparently so traumatized she circled back around to perfectly stable which freaks me the fuck out_

_i guess after the hellscape that the last few months have been we needed some kind of levity like a FISHING TOURNAMENT FUCK YEAH ALL YALL BETTER STEP THE FUCK OFF SHUT UP INGRID SHUT UP LEONIE FUCK YOUR BATTLE OF THE EAGLE AND WHATEVER IM GONNA FISH MY DAMN HEART OUT THIS MONTH IF I DONT WRITE ASSUME IM FISHING OR TEACHING_


	3. Chapter 3

**_8th of Wyvern_ **   
_saw bernadetta sewing something blue so i guess marianne is getting a present later_

_also OH DEAR flayn is sort of. bad. uhhhh i can try to teach you some shit kid but youre not gonna be frontline material_

**_9th of Wyvern_ **   
_did some chores for the knights_   
_\- cleared out some bandits near the monastery like within SIGHTLINE of the monastery PLEASE BE COMPETENT FOR LIKE ONE MINUTE_   
_\- led the knights through their horrible horrible HORRIBLE battle formations_   
_\- RAN INTO SOME MORE FUCKING MONSTERS AAAAAAAAAH_

_im starting to think rhea wants these children to fight for her because theyre more competent than actual grown adults_

**_11th of Wyvern_ **   
_did some more chores because everything is awful and im being punished for something i think_   
_\- some weirdo named lorenz asked for our help in some political bullshit. we helped him out and he gave me some creepy stick relic that i immediately handed over to lysithea_   
_\- we killed some asshole who tried to kidnap ingrid and if possible i will one day kill ingrids father_

**_19th of Wyvern_ **   
_THANK FUCK INGRID PROMOTED shes now a wyvern rider and sylvain is a paladin_   
_\- ingrid is now a wyvern rider_   
_\- sylvain is now a paladin_   
_\- lysithea is a warlock_

_i really hope we get some more promotions before the big battle_

**_25th of Wyvern_ **   
_GUESS WHO FUCKING WON THE FISHING TOURNAMENT_

_TWAS I WHO CONQUERED ALL_

_i got a little fishing float in the shape of the monastery from seteth so YEAH NEW FISHING FLOAT i have to fish more with this_

_LAST MINUTE CERTS! ferdinand became a pally and edelgard is a warrior who i have given proper pants so HOPEFULLY this is enough to turn the tide in our favour_

**_27th of Wyvern - Morning_ **   
_alright so... plans_

_me and edelgard HAVE to show but other than that i have free reign to bring who i please so im bringing dorothea, lysithea, marianne and mercedes as our magical crew and ingrid, ferdinand, bernadetta and petra as our physical crew. dorothea uses her battalion to stride us all up the center so we can take the ballista for bernie to rain hell on everybody while we split up in either direction to take out as many people as we can before they meet up and start racking up points_

_LIONS: ashe is on the central hill with the ballista, with annette and dedue acting as bodyguards for dimitri who is hiding inside a fort. itll play well to his lance since he can just lunge at us without having to worry about arcs_

_DEER: claude is hiding in the woods with hilda and leonie who are apparently both hard hitters which is going to make it hell to actually get to the tricky bastard. the only one out in the open is ignatz who is setting up near the eastern bridge... why i have no idea but theres got to be a reason_

_ive done all i can. lets do this._

**_27th of Wyvern - Evening_ **   
_I CANT BELIEVE I WAS WORRIED anyways im numbering all this in the order it apparently happened according to both my own memory and my students_

_1\. ignatz immediately retreated to go fight the lions so... i dont know why he was there to begin with????_   
_2\. lysithea accidentally gave the command for stride first so dorothea was a frontliner whoops_   
_3\. the second we used stride petra immediately bolted forward and hit ashe so hard he did a flip im so proud of her_   
_4\. ferdinand almost IMMEDIATELY died because three pegasus knights piled onto him but bernie and marianne blasted their asses into the sky_   
_5\. here is why i was dumb to be worried: leonie was jumped by FOUR GUYS and they couldnt beat her while my kids were laying waste to everything they saw_   
_6\. thanks to a combination of edelgard and ingrid the forest was cleared out almost IMMEDIATELY_   
_7\. dedue took out leonie so thats like. one point to them. good job guys._   
_8\. edelgard apparently did a sick axe fight against hilda but ingrid says it was over in one hit so i dont know who to believe on that one_   
_9\. ingrid fought claude 1 on 1 and threw him into the dust so HEEEEEEY guess who gets first dish at the celebration afterwards_   
_10\. annette and dedue got taken out by rando deer soldiers right before petra took out dimitri so WE WON BY DEFAULT THIS JUST BECAME A MOPUP_   
_11\. we drew the battle out just long enough for petra to loot a treasure chest near the south because IF WE DONT WIN TOTALLY IT AINT A VICTORY_

_let me sing you a song of my people... WEEEEE ARE THE CHAAAAAMPIONS, MY FRIIIIEEEEENDS! ahahahaha holy shit this was a curbstomp im so proud of my kids that was AMAZING i didnt have to fight ONCE once jeralt gets back im recounting this to him so fucking much_

_but rhea had to ruin it though because the prize was just a single lance_

_i hate her so fucking much_

_also: fuck fuck fuck fuck remire village is in danger_

**_1st of Red Wolf_ **   
_FUCKING. OWWWWWW._

_MY RIBS HURT LIKE A FUCKING BITCH WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE_

_FUCK EVERYTHING HANNEMAN CAN SUBSTITUTE TODAY I FEEL LIKE SHIT_

**_4th of Red Wolf_ **   
_hubert tried to hint at something at lunch but i still felt like shit so it went WOOSH over my fucking head i still feel like shit_

_also edelgard thinking of people as simply allies or enemies is life. you cant think in shades of grey when your life is on the line and you cant think in shades of grey when there are murderous shitbags trying to kill you perspective has its place yeah but what you propose is stupid_

_maybe if fodlan was ever united id say thinking that way was fine but it isnt and it probably never will be_

**_9th of Red Wolf_ **   
_raphael cleaned the fuck up in the tournament this month._

_that lorenz kid and some staff members told me to lie down and rest. do i look that bad?_

_SOME PUNK BITCH KID HAS THE FUCKING GUTS TO GIVE A LOVE LETTER TO RHEA HOLY SHIT I ALMOST WANT THAT KID IN MY CLASS FOR SHEER GALL_

_found a book that i gave to hanneman in exchange for another book which i gave to manuela who gave me an amulet which i gave to cyril who handed me a glowy rock that i gave to mercedes who gave me ANOTHER book that i gave to marianne who gave me some eyedrops that i gave to linhardt who gave me a whetstone that i gave to shamir who gave me a silver bow that i gave to bernadetta who gave me an armoured bear plush that i gave to edelgard who gave me the advice of going the fuck to bed so im going to do that now_

**_17th of Red Wolf_ **   
_dorothea is a warlock now yaaaaay_

_ugh. hanneman and manuela argued about how much i look like shit. feel like it more than the other day. feel like i wanna throw up_

**_21st of Red Wolf_ **   
_holy kingdom of faerghus founding day is a long title_

_ate some chicken. raph and lysithea argued_

_tired_

**_22nd of Red Wolf_ **   
_i feel way fucking better today_

_sothis asked me if we could go back to zanado to check some stuff out, so i went off on my own but shit got wild real fast because MY KIDS DECIDED TO FOLLOW ME ugh is this how jeralt felt when he was raising me i feel angry and super happy at the same time parenthood sucks_

_ANYWAYS some monsters showed up mostly some wolfies and chirpchirps lots of nerds mostly and a big old demonic beast what a fuckface anyways the kids were worried so congrats they get to be first in line to mama byleths campout where i make them get me wild game and i laugh at them its a family tradition passed down to me from jeralt_

_dunno why i felt so much better in zanado than garreg mach... unless..._

_hm. i need to talk to manuela._

**_23rd of Red Wolf_ **   
_we went and fought felixs dads troops before saving some people in a nearby town and HOO BOY did i not like felixs dad fucker talking about chivalry and bullshit like that_

_IF YOU DIE YOU DIE NOTHING NOBLE ABOUT IT FUCKER FELIX IS MY KID NOW GO FUCK YOURSELF but we WILL take your fancy shield thank you_

_told my theory to manuela. if im right then we need to take action IMMEDIATELY but i wont find that out until we back from remire_

**_24th of Red Wolf_ **   
_FERDINAND HAS MADE FRIENDS WITH A NOBB AS PRETENTIOUS AS HIMSELF RED ALERT_

_EVACUATE THE MONASTERY_

**_25th of Red Wolf_ **   
_i fucking HATE that i was right_

_shit was going down in remire everybody was apparently going fucking insane and murdering each other by the time we were done everything was practically burnt to the ground and dead. less than thirty people out of 200 survived. and all of it because of tomas well i call him that but he said his name was solon "the saviour of all". called bernadetta a "savage insignificant beast" when she nailed him with a few arrows._

_fucker was hiding in plain sight the entire time with some kind of disguise magic! i cant even recount how many times somebody told me he was doing sketchy shit - looking into me and jeralts history, asking about the sword of the creator, going on a sabbatical away from the library despite him living on the monastery grounds - and i just fucking ignored that shit_

_the bitch knight showed his mug as well as the flame emperor_

_i grabbed some samples of water and took it back to garreg mach for study and manuela told me that the water was essentially liquid poison designed to make you angry and tired... and that they found an equal amount of it in the water in the monastery pond and waterways. he must have wanted multiple groups of test subjects so he tried it on remire AND on the monastery_

_no wonder ive been feeling like shit lately... shamir and catherine were arguing, same with hanneman and manuela and raph and lysithea, we were on the verge of going the way of remire. anyways now that we know its there manuela and basically every cleric in the place has been hunting down the contaminated water and purging it so everybody should be fine in a couple of days_

_also edelgard is still hinting at things but im dumb so WOOSH_

**_1st of Ethereal_ **   
_FUCKING WHAT_

_SOTHIS IS THE GODDESS?!_

_I_

_WHAT_

**_7th of Ethereal_ **   
_apparently our mission this month is to go investigate an old chapel and im going to get to work with jeralt again! yaaaay! much yayness is happening today because now jeralt can see how cool i am_

_apparently theres going to be a huge ball this month for the students only which is GOOD BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT I CAN PASS OUT IN BED AND GET A DECENT AMOUNT OF SLEEP WOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YEAAAAAH get that nice PILLOW with some warm MILK gonna fucking SNOOZE THE FUCK OUTTA THAT BED_

_also rhea wants me to make one of my students into a dancer and its like i guess she has a point dancers are super useful but they feel like cheats like you werent good enough to win on your own anyways i spoke to everybody and like_

_there was this moment where everybody just looked at dorothea so... CONGRATS DOROTHEA YOU GOT VOLUNTEERED_

**_9th of Ethereal_ **   
_went with seteth and flayn to murder some pirates and thieves apparently seteth is flayns dad WHAT A TWIST like come on man we all knew_

**_14th??? of Ethereal????_ **   
_had a brainfart where i forgot how to read a fucking calender i hate everything_

_fought some chirpchirps and manuela nearly died to some dumbass bandits but we got some magic gem shit out of it so i guess it was worth it_

**_15th of Ethereal_ **   
_let the class do whatever today theyre all too amped up_

**_16th of Ethereal_ **   
_white heron cup was today and alois had WAY too much fun announcing everything and it was a SLAUGHTER_

_DOROTHEA WAS UP AGAINST ANNETTE AND LEONIE IT WAS THE GREATEST CURBSTOMP EVER shamir is weird though she voted for leonie so i dunno whats up with that anyways i guess dorothea is gonna be a dancer now_

**_21st of Ethereal_ **   
_felix came to me complaining about the drama of the house_

_apparently shits going down with everybody???_

**_24th of Ethereal_ **   
_kids please calm your fucking shit for five minutes_

_also WOOOO BYLETH GETS TO SLEEP THE FUCK IN DURING THE BALL_

**_25th of Ethereal_ **   
_I. HATE. CLAUDE. VON. RIEGAN. KILL HIM. BURY HIS FUCKING BONES. THE ALLIANCE WILL BURN FOR THIS INSULT._

_piece of shit worthless scumbag lying fuck im hiding in the goddess tower right now because CASPAR IS LOOKING FOR ME IN MY GODDESS DAMNED ROOM so yay i get to lie on a cold stone floor but at least i wont be bothered by anybody_

_oh no_

_edelgard is raw evil condensed into a cute girl_

**_26th of Ethereal_ **   
_this isnt happening_

_THIS ISNT FUCKING HAPPENING_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real talk, that thing about the Monastery being poisoned? Probably not canon, but a LOT of my students were hitting their B supports where they were getting angry and upset so I decided to work it in.


	4. Chapter 4

**_12th of Guardian_ **   
_i_

_i dont know what to do_

**_14th of Guardian_ **   
_linhardt is using my fathers death as an excuse to sneak into the vaults to satisfy his curiosity_

_im talking to hanneman i want him out of my fucking class_

_if i ever speak to his pathetic worthless hide again itll be too soon_

**_17th or 18th of Guardian its like midnight_ **   
_the brats kidnapped me and locked me in the dining hall until i ate something_

_i_

_i thought i didnt have anyone_

_so used to having only jeralt that_

_it felt alien to know other people were there for me_

_tomorrow im going to write everything up. need to get my groove back._

**_19th of Guardian_ **   
_alright. this is a list of everything that happened this month while i wasnt functioning_   
_\- 5th: manuela is a fucking MESS_   
_\- 6th: sylvain threatened me and it was adorable_   
_\- 7th: rhea invited me to the saint seiros day service but i hate her so i stabbed myself in the arm and made her watch so i had an excuse to go to the infirmary_   
_\- 9th: went out alone to kill some bandits. i just needed to hurt something before i hurt my kids._   
_\- 11th: my patience with the church is dying quickly. i know this because i broke catherines arm for saying rhea has never done anything wrong._   
_\- 12th: mercedes and marianne apparently both became bishops and im VERY SAD i didnt get to see that shit happen live_   
_\- 13th: ... i stopped crying. i dont know why. i should cry but i just cant._   
_\- 15th: went fishing. didnt catch anything. got sick from the rain._   
_\- 17th: edelgard brought an axe to my door and threatened to chop it down if i didnt open it which was when i got kidnapped._

_i think thats everything_

**_20th of Guardian_ **   
_rhea asked me out to tea_

_IS IT REALLY NOT FUCKING APPARENT THAT I DONT LIKE YOU RHEA???_

_LIKE FOR REALSIES?_

_oh goddess im getting old im saying for realsies_

**_21st of Guardian_ **   
_the monastery ran out of fucking fruit_

_REPEAT: RAN OUT OF FUCKING FRUIT._

_this place is a SHITSHOW_

**_25th of Guardian_ **   
_manuela made me attend a lecture about faith_

_it sort of made me understand why people put their faith in the goddess but also made me lose faith in people in general_

_maybe we should put manuela in charge of interrogation_

**_30th of Guardian_ **   
_FUCK YOU RHEA_

_IM NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND AND LET THIS PASS ME BY_

_I AM GOING TO SHOVE THIS FUCKING BONE SWORD THROUGH MONICAS FUCKING ASSHOLE UNTIL IT EXTENDS OUT HER GODDAMN THROAT_

**_31st of Guardian_ **   
_sothis is gone._

_shes GONE._

_fuck EVERYTHING_

**_1st of Pegasus_ **   
_RHEA WAS TOUCHING ME SHE WAS TOUCHING ME TALKING ABOUT LIGHT AND SHIT AND I FEEL FUCKING UNCLEAN_

_IM SO FUCKING DONE WITH HER_

_A DIVINE REVELATION?! FROM FUCKING WHO_

_SOTHIS IS GONE_

**_8th of Pegasus_ **   
_hanneman had a birthday so i gave him the gift of a chunk of my hair and some blood to advance his crest research_

_he was SKIPPING he was so happy_

_ALSO FUCKING RHEA GAVE ME SOME ROBES BECAUSE I WAS "ENLIGHTENED" OR SOME RANKASS SHIT LIKE THAT I REFUSE TO WEAR THEM WHAT THE FUCK_

_OH AND SHE SAID I OVERCAME JERALTS DEATH_

_BITCH IM STILL FUCKING MOURNING WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM_

**_12th of Pegasus_ **   
_went to enbarr with edelgard because shes the new emperor_

_fucking radical. that crown looked rad as hell_

_edelgards dad seemed cool. i miss jeralt._

_also WHAT THE PRIME MINISTER WAS INVOLVED WITH WHAT HAPPENED TO EDELGARD??? does ferdinand know about this??? i might have to kill him ill ask edelgard if she wants a free assassination_

**_14th of Pegasus_ **   
_we back._

_edelgard turned my offer down but she looked really happy about it so i guess time will tell_

**_16th of Pegasus_ **   
_dealt with some bandits near fodlans throat_

_if holst cant hold the border against these chumps fodlan DESERVES to be overrun by almyra_

**_17th of Pegasus_ **   
_ALOIS TOOK ME TO FIGHT PIRATES_

_FUCKIN PIRATES WORTHLESS SEA LOVING FUCKS I SPIT ON THEM AND TAKE THEIR LOOT_

_HAHA PIRATES ARE SO LAME_

**_20th of Pegasus_ **   
_bought felix a new sword_

_he almost looked happy so thats a win for byleth_

**_22nd of Pegasus_ **   
_manuela and hanneman are FUCKING JELLY_

_cause my kids earned some motherfucking MASTER CERTS! FELIX THE MORTAL SAVANT AND MERCEDES THE GREMORY ARE GONNA WRECK SOME SHIT_

_maybe. because graduation is happening soon._

_im gonna miss these brats..._

**_24th of Pegasus_ **   
_got drunk with manuela._

_i fucking hated it but it made me forget about all the tragedy lately_

**_29th of Pegasus - Morning_ **   
_i_

_im scared_

_rhea said the ceremony will give me a revelation_

_is it that sothis is gone? and that im just gonna hear_

_i dunno_

_the gap where she used to be? the emptiness?_

**_29th of Pegasus - Evening_ **   
_EDELGARD IS THE FUCKING FLAME EMPEROR_

_AND RHEA IS A FUCKING PSYCHO I FUCKING CALLED IT YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP_

_IM SO TIRED AND LOST????????????? and im just like ughhhhhhhhhhhh i just wanna go to sleep for like five years dont think edelgard will let me though_

_but maaaaan that first fight against edelgard was AWESOME bernie is a fucking beast she fought off two fucking demonic beasts on her own with no help_

_too bad flayn decided to side with her father. itll hurt to see her fight but... she chose her side. like talking about shades of grey is fine and all but at the end of the day youre either on somebodies side or youre not and thats that but id thought flayn might choose to side with us_

_but man_

_twelve months ago i was like "wonder what im gonna eat for breakfast" and now im like "so we attack the most heavily defended location in fodlan" what a fucking year its been_

_fucking edelgard "i spent all night thinking about the name for our heresy squad" ah man shes my favourite student for a reason wont be writing here for a while we need to prepare to fight a goddess dragon_

_... wish you were here to see me dad_

**_25th of Ethereal_ **   
_well shit its been five years since i wrote in this thing_

_man when i sleep i SLEEP_

_and AAAAAAAAAAAGH MY KIDS ARE ALL GROWN THE FUCK UP HOLY SHIT YOU ARE ALL FAR TOO ADULT YOU SHRINK BACK DOWN IMMEDIATELY IM SO FUCKING WEIRDED OUT_

_edelgard is TALL NOW and ferdinand has some IMPRESSIVE GODDAMN LOCKS and sylvain looks like even more of an asshole and ingrid is a falcon knight now and hubert somehow grew CHARISMA im so fucking shaken right now holy shit_

**_27th of Ethereal_ **   
_made hubert promise to kill me if i went crazy like rhea and he said hed do it_

_man having friends is cool_

**_28th of Ethereal_ **   
_so uh jeritza is on our side? and hes not wearing a mask anymore which is HELLA WEIRD but whatevs anyways dorothea is bringing me up on all the drama thats come up in the last five years_   
_\- apparently caspar hunted down those suspicious assholes and made sure they didnt hurt anyone_   
_\- marianne is apparently sleeping well now holy shit look at how happy she looks_   
_\- BERNIE YOU FUCKING BEAST YOU HUNTING FOR THAT GOTHIC HUBERT BOOTY I SUPPORT YOU_   
_\- ingrid is apparently popular with the ladies??? somehow???_   
_\- mercedes got a new haircut and its fucking GREAT i love it_   
_\- edelgard apparently knocked ferdinand on his ass in one hit its apparently her greatest victory according to dorothea_   
_\- felix is apparently hella calm now which is fucking unnerving_

**_29th of Ethereal_ **   
_the second we kill rhea we find a way to get rid of crests thats priority one for me im not having lysithea die for no fucking reason_

**_31st of Ethereal_ **   
_well apparently theres some spooky shit going on apparently edelgards uncle is evil??? but hey as far as i know all uncles are evil i sort of forgot uncles were a thing for a while_

_anyways we killed some of the old deer today. not sure what to think of that. like they werent my kids but. i wanted to hate them for trying to kill us but. they werent my kids but._

_i dunno man_

**_4th of Guardian_ **   
_going to fight claude in the near future GONNA TAKE REVENGE FOR MY LOSS OF SLEEP DURING THE BALL yes im still angry shut up_

_so hey why do other people get to wear cute hats but not my cute children? my children deserve hats_

_im gonna go complain about that to edelgard she deserves a hat_

**_11th of Guardian_ **   
_saint seiros day happened so i kidnapped edelgard to eat candy with her_

_hubert was very mad_

**_17th of Guardian_ **   
_middle of a war and im teaching people still_

_thinking that im a better teacher than a merc_

**_18th of Guardian_ **   
_went fishing with alois_

_jeralt was MAGIC ALL ALONG i fucking knew it_

_THAT OLD BASTARD TOLD ME HE WAS JUST TOO GOOD TO AGE WHAT A LIAR_

**_20th of Guardian_ **   
_raph talked to me this evening_

_he sort of faded into the background of everything for a while but_

_he said some stuff i think i really needed to hear. good guy that raphael._

**_21st of Guardian_ **   
_LIKE TEN PEOPLE HAVE CONFESSED TO HUBERT AND BERNADETTA IN THE LAST WEEK WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON_

**_23rd of Guardian_ **   
_LYSITHEA YOU TOO?!_

_IS THIS ARMY JUST MADE OF HORNY TEENAGERS?!_

**_26th of Guardian_ **   
_edelgard asked me something if i was ready to go to deirdru but she phrased it in this weird way so my brain just immediately FORGOT we were sieging a fucking city this month holy shit me_

_also apparently seiros and the goddess had fuckall to do with the relics it was some random bone-blacksmith who made them so thats been what ive thinking about at like midnight_

**_27th of Guardian_ **   
_we shipping out to deirdru today_

_oh yeah btw i cant fucking believe i forgot this shit but uhhhhh bernie and marianne are master class now holy knight and bow knight so we have even more bullshit power lets hope we win this shit fuck yeah_

**_31st of Guardian_ **   
_we killed claude and hilda today. makes my head feel bad and i hate it. they sounded so... broken. this is what war does to people, i guess._

_ALSO IVE BEEN SPELLING DERDRIU WRONG THIS ENTIRE TIME AND NOBODY TOLD ME_

**_1st of Pegasus_ **   
_EDELGARD IS VERY CUTE ALL AROUND AND NOTHING CAN EVER CHANGE MY MIND AHAHAHAHA_

_adorable little conquering warlord heehee_

**_8th of Pegasus_ **   
_well shit jeritza got his position from edelgards crazy evil uncle_

_crevuncle? im gonna workshop that itll be fun but anyways_

**_15th of Pegasus_ **   
_EYYYYYYYY MY GIRL LYSITHEA FUCKING BEAUTIFUL AND SMART NOW A DARK KNIGHT YEAH_

_anyways we beat the shit out of the almyrans today it was fucking radical_

**_17th of Pegasus_ **   
_edelgards crevuncle told us to do some shit and hubert was like "oh we SHALL do some shit" and he did his whole "ahahaha im super evil and goth" routine you know the one_

_anyways we got a lance out of it so that was fun_

**_19th of Pegasus_ **   
_LEND ME YOUR STRENGTH BERNIE i would legit clone bernie if i could make that happen gosh shes strong anyways we went to brigid and fought the church because WHAAAA LADY RHEA THE MEAN IMPERIALS ARE JUST TOO STRONG IM GONNA GO ASK BRIGID FOR HELP and thats how that day went really_

_man catherine sucks_

**_24th of Pegasus_ **   
_some fucker was insulting marianne and calling her a wild demonic beast so HEY GUESS WHO GOT ASSASSINATED THIS MORNING~_

_fascinating stuff with maurice tho relics are fucking crazy_

**_28th of Pegasus_ **   
_HOLY SHIT THE KNIGHTS JUST OPENLY MARCHED ON US AHAHAHAHA IM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF LIKE NO WAY MARIANNE HAD TO HEAL ME I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD_

_LIKE COME ON WE OWN HALF THE FUCKING CONTINENT AND ALL THOSE RESOURCES AND THEYRE JUST OPENLY FUCKING MARCHING??? NOT EVEN AN AMBUSH OR A TRAP OR A FEINT????? YOU HEAR THAT SOUND??? THAT IS ME LAUGHING THROUGHOUT TIME I HEARD SHAMIR SAY SHIT LIKE "OUR SURPRISE ATTACK WORKED" AND "WE WILL BE RECLAIMING GARREG MACH" AND IM LIKE??????????_

_BITCH WE KNEW YOU COMING WE KNEW FOR DAYS AND THIS IS OUR FUCKING STRONGHOLD YOU THINK WE WERENT READY FOR AN ATTACK?????? EVEN IF YOU WON WE STILL HAD EVERY MAJOR ARMY OPERATION WORKING OUT OF HERE SO YOU WOULD CONSTANTLY BE UNDER SIEGE im so fucking confused its the fucking stupidest thing thats happened to me in my life jeralt would be laughing his ass off holy shit_

_that said... we killed seteth and flayn. and like i knew them before hand but_

_it hasnt been tearing me up inside like it did for the deer. i dont feel bad for killing them. i dont even care that theyre gone. flayn was my student and i just dont fucking care._

_i think the fact i dont care that shes dead is fucking me up more than the fact that shes dead_

**_1st of Lone_ **   
_edelgard says that shes taking us off course to arianrhod apparently its some big shot fortress macking on all the lady fortresses with its sweet ballista pickup lines all the lesser fortresses are like yo arianrhod why are you so hot_

_sometimes i read back what i write and then just like go what the fuck byleth_

**_2nd of Lone_ **   
_saint indech day was today but heresy is cool so edelgard and i ate some candy_

_also today im just like taking a ME day and relaxing with some kitties i got one right now her name is sothis because shes about as annoying and sleeps a lot_

_... miss you sothis_

**_3rd of Lone_ **   
_ladislava passed today and mercedes says randolph will go tomorrow if hes lucky_

_damn it_

**_8th of Lone_ **   
_edelgard got all cute and tried to hide a portrait of me from me by calling it disgraceful_

_nothing she does could ever be disgraceful shes too cute for that_

_wait_

_OH NO I THINK SHES CUTE_

**_9th of Lone_ **   
_DIMITRI IS CALLED THE TEMPEST KING HOLY SHIT THATS SO COOL_

**_15th of Lone_ **   
_sylvain is a dark knight, caspar is a war master, edelgard is a wyvern lord... i think everybody on the frontlines is master class now_

_im so proud of them. fuck im like actually bothered they didnt get diplomas or whatever at graduation be right back im gonna go make some so my students know how much i care about their dumb asses_

**_20th of Lone_ **   
_MY STUDENTS ARE BULLIES WHO FORCED ME TO GIVE EDELGARD FLOWERS_

_and she wanted me to call her el_

_fuck shes too cute_

**_24th of Lone_ **   
_im actively looking for things to do these days im just a really good swordswoman so_

_UGH is this what retirement feels like i already hate the fuck out of it_

**_29th of Lone_ **   
_ahahahaha holy shit apparently they sent goons to reinforce the capital so they dont even have a full roster manning arianrhod thats fucking hysterical_

_gonna be real though something feels up and i dont like it. shit is stirring wrong yknow?_

**_31st of Lone_ **   
_ARIANRHOD DOWN it was fucking piss easy im laughing theyre scrambling just to stay alive_

_cornelia had these dolls that she was like OH MAH GODDESS THESE ARE MAH STRONGEST TROOPS and bernie was like I EXIST BITCH YOU AINT SHIT so that was hilarious. the things were made of steel and moved like people though so... maybe they were huge suits of armour? oh man i wish i had one of those_

_in better news felix is now fatherless and everyone is happier for it that fucker tried to call felix a failure because he didnt mindlessly fall in line so i gutted him like a fish and said felix was MY kid now NO BAD PARENTS ALLOWED TO EXIST IN THIS EMPIRE_

_my kids are so fucking good im so proud of them holy shit_

**_2nd of Great Tree_ **   
_edelgards creuncle visited and she had to physically stop me from grabbing a knife the entire time also i think they were doing that political weirdtalk where they say one thing and then mean another but thats fucking WOOSH over my head so whatever_

_ALSO APPARENTLY ARIANRHOD IS FUCKING GONE??????? DISINTERGRATED TO DUST BY A FUCKING PILLAR OF LIGHT WE LOST A THIRD OF THE PEOPLE THERE THATS LIKE WAY TOO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE WHAT THE FUCK WHAT SORT OF BULLSHIT DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE?!_

_... edelgard says the moment we unify fodlan we go after them. we rip down the heavens above and then we rip up the roots below. and... if i die... i guess theres no better way to go out, right? not one. so... im going to write some stuff down... for if i die._

_i dont like this feeling of fear im afraid to die but its so fucking likely that i just cant imagine it wont happen_

_i want to say goodbye to edelgard if i have to die. i want her to know that shes my best friend. shes the one person in the world i cant imagine leaving without a goodbye_

_... oh_

**_4th of Great Tree_ **   
_the tailtean plains. figures that the first place i ever dreamed of is where its all going to end even when shes dead sothis just loves to mess with me huh we either win at tailtean or die at tailtean. the lions... whats left of them... will be there._

**_5th of Great Tree_ **   
_pffffft felix got knocked on his ass by dorothea earlier hes so fucking miserable_

_talked to petra earlier and said that shes smarter and wiser than me so she has nothing to worry about with regards to ruling brigid she laughed and used a metaphor about how that was a low bar to clear im so proud of her_

**_8th of Great Tree_ **   
_IM SORRY GATEKEEPER WE HAD TO KEEP IT SECRET_

_also NEVER CHANGE MANUELA YOU DO YOU but i have to betray you on staying single i have a ring with a conquerors name on it_

**_11th of Great Tree_ **   
_fished._

_miss you dad._

**_17th of Great Tree_ **   
_got hubert some poison for his birthday its probably something hes already got but i figured he might like that more than anything else_

**_18th of Great Tree_ **   
_edelgard and ferdinand got into a fight during sky patrol over fruit for some reason holy shit and bernadetta tried to hide in her room because hubert scared her and ingrid yelled at felix over annoying dorothea and ARE WE IN A WAR OR ARE WE BACK IN 1180??? STARTING TO WONDER_

**_20th of Great Tree_ **   
_got the kids into the classroom because if they were gonna act like children id treat them like children one last lesson, just like the old days. makes me feel old. is this what jeralt felt like all the time?_

**_25th of Great Tree, 1186_ **   
_had dinner with everybody. we may not come back. i said goodbye to my parent's grave. spent the rest of the day resting. we start marching on fhirdiad tomorrow. what happens from here is... its not fate. but its something._

_time to go down in history._


	5. Chapter 5

**_19th of Pegasus, 1200_ **   
_Wow. Haven't seen this in a while. I started another diary after I lost this one. Figure I should... Write something maybe? Almost out of pages, so... I guess I'll just finish up with the aftermath of what happened back then. Oh yeah, I learned how to write properly. Edelgard taught me how to do cursive too, but that's just too... Eh. Y'know? Anyway._

_On the 29th of Great Tree, we marched to the Tailtean Plains. It was raining, just like my dreams of a thousand years ago. To our surprise, soldiers began transforming into Demonic Beasts solely to protect their homeland. It was very spooky, on an objective level. Then Rhea showed up, rambling about her mother for some reason. Also there was a giant machine??? We think it was a Titanus (one of the doll things???) but made by Rhea._

_Shit was weird._

_Anyway, we figured we couldn't win if we were fighting on two sides, so we made headway for Dimitri and sent Felix to kick Rhea into the dust. It took him five seconds, honestly. Further proving my theory that Rhea is delusional in all forms and she was never even that cool when she wasn't crazy. Dedue eventually turned as well, and we had to cut him down. Dude should be proud though, Lysithea had to use Hades Omega to tear him down._

_Edelgard had to pull out her Relic just to even slow Dimitri down. Guy fought to the bitter end, nearly managed to kill Hubert in a single strike... I guess in another life, I might have taught him. Bah. Years too late for that type of thought._

_The next two hours, we frantically marched to Fhirdiad while also healing everybody. It was fucking crazy, I might have to try and recreate it one day. On the way there... Edelgard basically told me that I'm distantly related to Rhea. So it sort of transformed our final battle into a really uncomfortable family reunion. Wasn't fun._

_So THIS is the point where in the history books Rhea transformed from "Corrupt Archbishop" to "Holy Shit What The Fuck". She set the entire city of Fhirdiad ablaze immediately, just for one chance to fuck us up even a little. She transformed back into the Immaculate One and went fully fucking crazy, started howling about my being evil and also corrupted and shit like that, it was crazy._

_Ingrid took Ashe out. I took out Gilbert. Uh, I think Edelgard took out this one mage who did nothing but try to hit me with lightning the entire time... I think that was a student I failed or something. Felix killed Cyril, which was FUCKED UP Rhea basically raised that kid to be her footsoldier and didn't even react when the kid died. Bernadetta killed Annette. And Lysithea killed Catherine._

_Didn't feel a thing. Feels bad that I didn't feel a thing._

_Rhea started screaming some more, and I can still hear it. Like a whiny toddler. EVERYBODY started to gang up on her, we had basically everyone go wild on her dumb ass. And then, in what could only be called actual divine timing from the Goddess... My Crest activated right as I got the last hit. Like, WOW. Like, even Sothis was telling Rhea to go fuck herself from beyond the grave. It was super fucking radical, I won't lie._

_And then I passed out. And. Um. Died. JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT DON'T WORRY YOUR HEART ABOUT IT. And then I came back somehow. Uhhhhh more miracles. Divine timing. Nobody fucking knows. I'm MAGIC that way, because my heart started beating again. SORT OF HURT??? AFTER NOT BEATING FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE??? But hey, it's been fourteen years, so... I'm used to it now. Also, my hair is blue now! Same with my eyes! Still a LITTLE green because Goddess Power marks you for life, but mostly blue!_

_Then, uh. Edelgard said we would lay waste to Those Who Slithered, crush their hopes and destroy them utterly and. Um. OKAY. LOOK. I'M A MERC AT HEART. THAT'S A REALLY SEXY THING TO SAY. So I ended up proposing and then making out right next to Rhea's corpse._

_Look, don't fucking judge me. I died, I can do what I want._

_ANYWAY. That whole shebang became known as The War Of The Eagles And Heaven. Catchy title, I know. There's a painting of the entire class standing against Rhea hanging on the wall of the palace. It's not exactly true to life, but it'll last all the way to the future._

_1187 was the year we spent pulling Fodlan back together. Went around handing out food, suppressing riots, building orphanages, that sort of shit. Felt good man, felt real good. It felt good, in a way that I'd never felt before. Help had always been for coin, not just for the sake of it. Edelgard spent an entire month kicking every asshole noble out of Enbarr, and then another robbing them blind to help the needy._

_In 1188, we founded a secret strikeforce - the Red Phoenix Assault Squadron, and no, Edelgard's sense for naming things has not gotten any better - and used them to carefully and silently destroy Those Who Slithered In The Dark. We still don't know how or why they existed, how their technology got so far, or what their beef was with Rhea. But they're gone now, so. I doubt we'll ever truly know._

_And then, on the 12th Day of the Lone Wolf Moon of 1190, it was over. No more Church. No more Slithers. No more Nobles. A new world. It's the year 1200 now, and things are different. New fashions, new music... A new Emperor, one Alan Wald. Yeah, The Gatekeeper is the new ruler of all of Fodlan. We visit sometimes to see how he's doing, and he's not too bad._

_Alois retired to Remire Village and took his family to become farmers. I visit sometimes, and we talk about life. His wife is very lovely, and wickedly sarcastic. Their kids plan to become scholars at Garreg Mach. Both very skilled with magic, those two._

_Hanneman kept working with Crests. Eventually he figured out how to "bottle" Crest energy so that anybody could use the stuff, and the aura of mystery around the things vanished. He's still begging me to explain how I came back to life - apparently, I have the only Crest he doesn't fully understand yet._

_Manuela built her own academy in a distant town close to Ordelia territory. I don't see her very often, but I hear it's very nice. Personally, I think she's out of the dating game - too busy with her students. Edelgard doesn't believe me, but I think Manuela's found her own type of personal happiness._

_Raphael eventually returned back to his hometown to run the family inn with his sister. Eventually, he became the inn's owner, and started cooking. Edelgard and I visit him every year - the guy is just amazing at cooking, y'know? Oh, and Fleche works for him now. She seems way happier away from politics._

_Jeritza vanished. At least, that's the official story. I hunted him down a year or two ago. He's... Better. Not great, still likes a fight too much for his own good, but the Death Knight is starting to wear away with time. I left him a fishing rod - hopefully a new hobby keeps his mind off fighting._

_Caspar became the Minister of Military Affairs in the Empire. He led us through most of the war with Those Who Slithered, even if he was super reckless. Three years ago, he published a paper on warfare, setting new standards and guidelines so something like the hell we went through never happens again._

_Marianne went home. I barely hear from her at all, but the few times I do, it's always very welcome. She's become quite the diplomat, apparently. Bernadetta visits her a lot, and they work together on bigger and more challenging political issues. Either way, I miss her. Hope she comes to the reunion._

_Mercedes opened an orphanage in Faerghus with her mother. Though orphanage is a light term - from what Hubert told me, she basically coopted Arianrhod into a place where families could live without worry. She's apparently married, though she won't tell me to who. Not even Hubert knows, which was surprising._

_Sylvain basically threw himself into working with the Sreng region. Eventually, he ended up handing over the Lance of Ruin to Edelgard - he doesn't need it to keep peace anymore. Thanks to him, Edelgard isn't as busy anymore. That said, I keep hearing people say 'sons of Gautier' - does he have kids?_

_Ferdinand became the new Duke Aegir, and set about reforming just about everything. He advises the Emperor, and works as the Prime Minister. Edelgard meets him for tea every so often, and I always hear about some crazy story about what Ferdinand has done now._

_Ingrid became the new Lord/Lady (she changes the words a lot) of Galatea. When I visit, I always find her under this big apple tree. Apparently, it was the first one they grew in Galatea, and heralded the start of their bountiful harvests. Honestly, I think she just wants snacks handy for whenever I visit._

_Felix abandoned his noble title and became a sellsword for a few years. He eventually met Lysithea, who after having her Crests removed by Hanneman, had started a bakery. I am told by locals that they are very cute together, and I fully intend to mock both of them about it at their wedding._

_Petra went back to Brigid and became queen. She declared independance from Fodlan, and they're pretty prosperous now. At some point, Dorothea married her, and music has been a big thing in Brigid since. Edelgard and I meet them every year for drinks and gossip, since they don't come to Fodlan much._

_Bernadetta GOT THAT GOTH BOOTY. She married the fuck out of Hubert, and basically ended up rooting up every little problem in the shadows the rest of us missed. Though it sure was a development to me - I missed them getting together entirely until I saw Bernie leaving Hubert's room one night._

_Edelgard and I purchased the field just outside Garreg Mach and built a proper cottage on it. We've got a garden and a lot of cats, and we spar every now and then. It's a quiet life, and outside of our trips to see old friends, we don't get out much. Still, Edelgard enjoys it, so I can't complain too much._

_And... That's. It, I think. Life is pretty quiet. Sometimes I go fishing. Sometimes I bake. Sometimes I kiss Edelgard and watch her blush. It's a lot duller than being a mercenary or a teacher, but. It's what I chose to do. And honestly, that makes it better than anything else in the world._

_FUCK I STILL HAVE LIKE TWO MORE PAGES LEFT IN THIS DAMN DIARY AND I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO PUT ONTO THEM THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING WASTE OF GOOD PAPER_


End file.
